The urge to cry is so very overwhelming right now. I'm so scared. My whole world is about to change and I don't know how I feel about it. I love someone very much and its painfully obvious to me that I don't understand them very well. I am confused by their actions and that makes this much more complicated than it has to be. I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. We seem so much more like old friends than a couple in love. It all seems so beyond my control. This is not how I thought things would be when we started out. I didn't expect the communication to drop so dramatically. I am just so afraid that it is over. The messages are so mixed ... I don't know and I'm much too afraid to figure it out. Basing my thoughts on trust and hope seem like I'm clinging to naive ideals. Basing my thoughts on what most would call common sense seems cruel and uncalled for. Asking questions only leads to "do you really have to ask that?" and there's just no point in that because that type of non-answer only feeds the fear. Offer love and breathe ... that's all i can do. Hope hurts, dreams die, the world is scary ...
I guess the thing to do is to focus on my pilgrimage; focus on personal happiness, career and fitness. To devote myself to celibacy, decency and virtue. To let nature run its course.
"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone."
